The Women's Sojourn Blog http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php Copyright 2008, The Women's Sojourn The Women's Sojourn en-US SPHPBLOG 0.5.1 Changing While Staying the Same... http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080828-123113 Nancy writes....

This will be a short message because I’m in the throws of moving my office. I’m going to a much smaller space, by myself, but surrounded by other companies – it’s one of those executive suites. I’m excited, nervous, and thinking about what changes about me in a new space. Does my outward facing self look different? Not unless I change my outfits – aka, change from jeans and flip flops to something more “professional.” How about who I am as a person? I’d like to think I can hold on to the parts of me that are really me and help them grow. I think about all the young people starting school, college or a new job facing this as well. How do they hold on to who they are, as their egos are being formed? An even greater challenge!

Change is hard; change is exciting; change is constant. Share any advice you have for me and others as we tackle our daily changes. What’s helped you get through it? How did you hold on to your true self? Thanks!

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080828-123113 The Women's Sojourn Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:31:13 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=08&entry=entry080828-123113 Recipes: What are you made of? http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080816-100949 From Meredith…

I've mentioned that I recently started a new job. This has been a huge transition for me; I had been at my previous job for about seven years. I jumped into completely new experience: a huge, multi-faceted, complex organization when I came from a streamlined, focused and small operation. I went from working with one person whom I know quite well to knowing only one person among 1,500 co-workers! And that person works in a completely different building! It is not surprising, I suppose, that this experience has to some degree decreased my confidence and increased self-doubt. Each day, at some point, I’ve asked myself, “What have I done? Why am I here? Can I survive this?”

A week or so ago, I read this somewhere: “When you become aware of what you're made of you are no longer afraid.” The first image that jumped to mind was a coach yelling to a boxer "Show 'em what you're made of kid!" Don't words like that make the fighter brave? These words of encouragement remind a fighter of the strength, training, agility and ability he or she possesses. These words are designed to makes fighters pause and take stock of their "ingredients" so they can re-focus and kick some butt!

This is good advice for anyone facing a tough situation. I've begun looking at my daily challenges as parts rather than the whole, which can be overwhelming. And I’ve begun to look at myself as ingredients rather than one nebulous being with no definition. On the Food Network I saw a chef serve up a “deconstructed” taco. She did this for presentation value, but it reminded me of all the wonderful ingredients that made up the final dish. Hmmm…Let's see, to make one Meredith you take equal parts smarts, authenticity, fun, experience, and savvy, mix with energy and voila! What a dish! Okay, I’m not made up of all good things – who is? But examining myself part by part allowed me to build myself back up – increase my confidence so I could come back the next day and try this new job thing again. And the result has been that each day has gotten better.

Knowing your ingredients, what you're made of, can be really useful during tough times – especially during life’s toughest challenges (those much more challenging than starting a new job). What do you look like deconstructed? What are your ingredients? During tough times, have you discovered or remembered what you're made of?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080816-100949 The Women's Sojourn Sat, 16 Aug 2008 14:09:49 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=08&entry=entry080816-100949 Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Please Tell All! http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080804-103544 Nancy writes...

I was waiting in my doctor’s office recently which is of course a great time – only time?! – to catch up on magazine reading. An article I read talked about how we look at ourselves in the mirror. My experience is to do it absolutely as quickly as possible. It is usually full of critique, well, let’s be honest, criticism, then I move on. I often think,” wow, you look tired, Nancy”; “you look dowdy, middle aged and heavier all over”; or my favorite was when my mother would simply stick her tongue out at herself! This still makes me giggle.

Couple this with a recent story from a woman I know who just turned 60. Her birthday party theme was how to look younger than you are. She had a consultant come in and show everyone how to do their hair, their clothes, etc to take ten years off their appearance. Frankly, I wouldn’t mind going to that! On the Today Show the other morning a health expert was talking about how differently women are talked to as they/we age. We women get, “you look good for your age.” YUCK!


One more thread. My husband and I were talking about how nice one part of aging is: we don’t obsess anymore about that mark on our face (EEK a pimple!) or the waaaay less than perfect physiques we have. Time does heal some wounds. But it’s hard to get to that wisdom that lies beneath the looks.

Back to the mirror. Once, because I promised a friend I would do it, I stared at myself in the mirror for about five minutes. It was really really hard. But as this magazine article said, the exercise helps you go beyond the tongue ejection. To do the exercise justice, you have to suffer through the discomfort to get to what you see behind your eyes and let yourself feel what you know about how you are.

So try it. Find a time when you are alone in a room with a mirror. It’s especially nice if it’s quiet. Set a timer for five minutes. Stand in front of a mirror – the bigger the better. Stare at yourself. Take a deep breath. Don’t push anything, don’t put pressure on yourself; just listen to what comes to you. Suspend your judgment. Take another deep breath and listen. Can you be an objective observer of the woman in the mirror? When the timer goes off, jot down five adjectives that describe the person in the mirror. Then write a paragraph weaving the five descriptors together by answering the question: In the mirror I see a woman who…

Then share your observations about the person in the mirror with us by clicking the comment link!
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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080804-103544 The Women's Sojourn Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:35:44 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=08&entry=entry080804-103544 Facing the Unknown http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080719-105735 From Meredith…

When I was vacationing in Belize a few years ago, I visited this really cool cave called Actun Tunichil Muknal (ATM), or “Cave of the Stone Sepulchre”. To get there, our little tour group had to drive two hours in the mud, then take a one and a half hour hike through the jungle and over rivers. It was only then that we arrived at the base camp, built by National Geographic when they first came to explore the cave. After lunch and a brief prep by our guide, we walked to the mouth of the cave. To enter, we had to jump into a cold pool of water and then crawl up into the cave. Exploring the cave was the most adventurous thing I’ve ever done. It was exhilarating and scary at the same time. We saw the remains of Mayan people sacrificed by their religious leaders. We saw Mayan artifacts brought there in offering to the gods. We squeezed through tight cave walls, and climbed up and down steep caverns.

The scariest part for me came about half way through the trek. This cave had many dry parts, but also many wet parts, and for a good while we were wading through water up to our chests. At that point – for the fear factor, which I fell for – our guide convinced us to turn off our helmet lights. I don’t know why we did it. Perhaps because he was an authoritative figure, an expert; I guess we assumed there was a good reason. All I know is that for those few moments, in the complete darkness, with water up to my chest, I was petrified, even though I knew my group was with me. I was even holding my husband’s hand. But sitting there and not being able to see anything, not knowing what was two inches from my face was daunting. I was scared of what I didn’t know.

The state of not knowing; it’s when our brains really start to work, huh? When I don’t have information, knowledge to base my thoughts on, my mind starts working up all kinds of scenarios, some reasonable, some ridiculous. This happened to me recently as I began counting down the days to my new job, which began this week.

Before I began, I knew the basics about the program I’d be working on, had met my new boss, and generally knew what they wanted me to do. But little stuff, such as where I’d sit, what I’d do my first day, who my co-workers would be, was completely unknown to me. As I walked from the metro stop to the door of the big new building, I became more and more panicked. While I was excited by the prospect of a new adventure, I had no idea what was in store on the other side of that door. And I don’t embrace the unknown.

Like the ATM cave in Belize, the first week of my new job was exhilarating and terrifying all at once. But as I began to take in more and more information, knowledge, about where I was and what to do, my mind settled. It had real information to process instead of a bunch of unknowns.

Some people love the unknown; it drives them. They see possibilities and imagine all kinds of positive outcomes. Often times for me, when my brain has no other information to work with, my anxiety rises. What helps me is to remind myself that this feeling, like all things in life is just temporary and will get better. I just have to be patient and open to the positive experiences that lie ahead.

How do you approach the unknown? Are you scared? Excited? Do you easily move forward into the unknown, or do your freeze up? What techniques do you use to navigate the unknown?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080719-105735 The Women's Sojourn Sat, 19 Jul 2008 14:57:35 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=07&entry=entry080719-105735 <b>Can’t Get That Song Outta my Head!</b> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080710-162012 Nancy writes...

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? Do you ever wonder what that’s all about?

Several weeks ago, my daughters and I went to see the play Rent here in northern Virginia. You know the story… a group of young adults struggling with life that includes drugs, AIDS, relationships, wealth, betrayal and the meaning of it all. When my girls saw this several years ago, they were very struck by it, watching it over and over, knowing every word to every song. At the time I thought that it was a pretty tough message – after all, AIDS is a hard disease. I know. My brother died of it. I was intrigued by my younger daughter’s love of it. Now I can’t get that song, How About Love, out of my mind.

So what’s that about? I think it’s a message coming to me through the words. The point of the song is to consider how one measures a life. The lyrics offer are all sorts of ways of doing this: by minutes, by sunsets, by traffic lights. Then the beautifully clear voices rhetorically ask, “how about love?” It’s helping me ask myself this question of my own life. How do I measure my life?

Is it:
By the number of friends?
By the number of clients?
By the length of the friendships?
By the number of awards received?
By the honesty of the way I’ve lived my life?
By the amount of money I have?

The lessons learned from a song that turns over and over in my head is magical in some ways. But in a very practical way it’s helped me remember the power of measuring my life by loving and being loved. For me, this means knowing myself well enough that I can love others.

How do you measure your life?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080710-162012 The Women's Sojourn Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:20:12 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=07&entry=entry080710-162012 Finding Compassion http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080703-100525 From Meredith…

Compassion. I assign such positive feelings to that word. It seems so simple, pure and honest. I look with wide-eyed awe at people who practice compassion. They seem so light of heart and centered. I picture the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, and other enlightened people. What I don’t see is their internal struggle, which I’m sure exists, or all the decades of hard work they put in to achieve a compassionate state. They may be iconic figures, but they are human after all.

Here’s how compassion is defined: “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” I’m in the middle of trying to feel compassion. I am helping a loved one in distress and I have a strong desire to alleviate her distress. But boy am I starting to realize that for me, in this moment, compassion is not easy, pure, or simple, nor does it come with an ounce of enlightenment.

My compassion is wrapped up in guilt. Really wrapped up, like a bacon wrapped appetizer of sorts, dripping with fat and grease, and although tasty, ruining the healthy, pure ingredient inside. My guilt has to do with the complicated relationship I have with this loved one and the barriers I’ve had to create in order to maintain some sort of healthy relationship with her. It is darn hard to practice compassion, and maintain those healthy barriers. And when I try to, I feel immense guilt. I say to myself, “This person is in need! I should give her the shirt off my back! What is wrong with me?”

In the midst of this, I’ve been thinking about what kind of limits can, or even should, be placed on compassion. Is it still compassion if given within limits? In other words, “I will be there for you and support you emotionally…to a point?” It seems counter-intuitive, but when I consider some examples, I realize that showing compassion sometimes means making hard choices. For example, the family member whose loved one is a drug addict may sometimes do more harm than good when they give their addicted loved one “the shirt of their back.” This enabling is far worse for the addict than other approaches, such as a needed intervention, or encouragement to seek rehabilitation. In this scenario, the addict’s family member is probably acting from a place of compassion, but I wonder if the choice to enable comes more from a place of guilt and less from a place of pure compassion.

The Dalai Lama says that limited compassion is biased, that being fully compassionate must include compassion towards those you like and dislike, and those who are good, bad, and in between. What is still unclear to me is what does actively showing compassion mean?

Writing this entry I did a lot of research about compassion and came across this quote from Thomas Aquinas:
I would rather feel compassion than know the meaning of it.


I’m beginning to think I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe I should worry less about defining compassion and focus on other things all together. Consider this snipit from The Book of Awakening, a recent gift from a friend, by Mark Nepo. Writing about kindness, Nepo says:
Somehow, in the course of being good, we have all been asked to wrestle with a false dilemma: being kind to ourselves or being kind to others. In truth, though, being kind to ourselves is a prerequisite to being kind to others. Honoring ourselves is, in fact, the only lasting way to release a truly selfless kindness to others…If we can work towards this kind of authenticity, then the living kindness – the water of compassion – will naturally flow.


What are examples of compassion that you’ve experienced in your daily lives? Big or small; simple or complex. Have there been times when you have had to put limits on how you showed compassion in order to honor your authentic self?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080703-100525 The Women's Sojourn Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:05:25 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=07&entry=entry080703-100525 Pardon My French http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080613-090104 From Meredith…

In addition to being a passion of mine, The Women’s Sojourn is part of my job. As such, I frequently end up talking about the concepts and ideas we come up with in the office with my husband at home. He listens with interest, but is often surprised that we discuss such things in a “professional environment.” He says he successfully separates his work life from his home life. I say, he’s fooling himself.

This guy comes home talking about his work life all the time. Not that I’m complaining. I love helping him work through challenges he has communicating with his colleagues, or figuring out the best way to approach his boss about a tough issue. But I’m guessing that if he’s talking about his work life at home, this “wall of separation” is pretty penetrable. When we talk through many of his challenges, what it often boils down to are lessons of good communication. Lessons one might apply to marriage, relationships, friendships, etc. Hmmm… applying life lessons to one’s professional life? Imagine!

This has me wondering, are there workplace lessons that apply to our personal lives? Enter Bob Sutton. If you haven’t heard of this guy, you should check out his blog. He is Stanford professor who recently published a book, based on his popular Harvard Business Review article, called – pardon my French – The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't. In the book and on his blog, Sutton discusses the poisonous effect of “jerks” on the work environment, productivity, and retention of qualified employees, among other things. His solution? Cut them loose. Sutton writes:

The biggest and best lesson: escape if you possibly can. The best thing to do if you are stuck under thumb of an asshole (or a bunch of them) is to get out as fast as you can. You are at great risk of suffering personal damage and of turning into as asshole yourself. Acting like a jerk isn’t just something that a few twisted people are born with; it is a contagious disease.


Sutton’s work focuses exclusively on the workplace, but doesn’t his rule also hold true for all our relationships? Over the span of our lives, what kind of poisonous relationships have we held onto that we should have cut loose? How has that affected our current relationships? Do we mirror the bad behavior of the jerks in our lives? How have these relationships affected your “productivity?” What has maintaining these relationships cost you?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080613-090104 The Women's Sojourn Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:01:04 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=06&entry=entry080613-090104 Authentic Balance http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080606-120510 Nancy writes...

One can’t help but think about balancing life. Lots of books are written about it, corporations are quick to position their work-life balance policies as a benefit, and both working and stay-at-home mothers strive for it daily, wondering if there isn’t a magic trick they’ve missed.

One recent morning as I rushed to get to my office, my arms were full with papers, food, water, etc – my grandfather would have called it a “lazy man’s load” meaning I was too lazy to make two trips. As I was flinging the stuff into my car, my lunch spilled all over my shirt and pants. Clearly I was not balanced.

Closure seems to be my world these days as school ends and sports seasons end. Friends of my girls are graduating from high school, kids are being recognized for athletic prowess, finals are anguished over, and anxiety reigns. My mantra is: it’s not the awards, grades or scores you earn; it’s the authenticity and grace with which you approach and receive them. Character is built during these times of hanging on to the “proper” balance.


Let’s look at this phenomenon of work/life balance differently. Instead of wondering how to get it, let’s consider: Who are we in the middle of the imbalances? Isn’t that what really matters? And while it’s easy to use these times as teachable moments for our children, I try to ask myself the same questions. Who am I when another PR firm is more successful than I am? Has their “success” come at a cost that I am willing to pay? The answers can be inspiring or freeing. They can push me to reach in new and exciting directions and/or they can remind me that I’m not willing to sacrifice certain values to achieve “success.” What is success anyway? Whose is it? Why was I rushing to the office? Was the rush coming from a genuine place within me or was I running away from something I'm avoiding, or am I trying to be someone I’m not? What does recognition, grades and others’ respect tell us about who we are?

My angst is a signal that I need to ask: Authentically, genuinely, deep down inside of me, what the heck matters to me? I try to remember that the value is in having the courage to ask the questions, not in having all the answers. Live the questions! It’s the journey, not the destination.

I love the poem, All the True Vows by David Whyte. Here’s a wonderful verse:

There is only one life
You can call your own
And a thousand others
You can call by any name you want



I feel lucky that the mantra in my house seems to be, BE YOURSELF. At the end of the day, knowing who you are is the only balance that really matters. Because, from this aligned place, energy flows with compassion. I'm not there yet, but when I am it will be the ultimate hard-won award, hard-won grade.

What are your imbalances? How have you remembered who you are in the middle of them? What advice do you have for others?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080606-120510 The Women's Sojourn Fri, 06 Jun 2008 16:05:10 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=06&entry=entry080606-120510 Summer Packing http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080530-154641 From Stacia…

I’m ready for summer. I’ve been dreaming of the hot days all winter and spring. I am fostering the illusion that with summer will come easier days, less fuss over schedules and meals, and cocktails with friends by the BBQ or pool. My reality is that all three of my children will be juggling sports, jobs, and social agendas. I will be sought after daily for my car, my cooking, and my money. My friends will all be in similar situations.

By degrees, I realize that this scenario is much less physically taxing than when I was balancing car seats, strollers, and toddlers racing toward the pool – blissfully unaware of the fact that they can’t swim. Now, I wish someone made car seats for 140 pound teenagers and that they wouldn’t feel the need to be any further from me than the pool or edge of the yard, twenty feet away. I imagine that my summer days will change through the years into a balance between these two extremes.

My fantasy summer is born of snippets of wonderful moments that I would like to sew together in a month long patchwork of uninterrupted days. I am sure this is true for any woman at any age. I imagine the “where” and “what” will be unique to each person.
If I were to pack a suitcase containing the things I would need for a fantasy summer, what would I choose? Four well written, well recommended books, a journal, my watercolor set and paper, flip flops, three bathing suits, two Positano skirts, five colorful t-shirts, a big hat, my favorite wooden spoon (a must for any good Blomen woman), and a soft comfy blanket for cooler nights.

Where would I be? I would definitely be near water, preferably a beach, with a refreshing, cleansing breeze blowing all the time.

Who would be there with me? My family and friends would be there – independently doing their own “thing”, and then coming together to share food, laughs, stories, and talents.

What would I share with these people? Perhaps I would make marinated flank steak. I would paint everyone a picture. I would be a witty, attentive conversationalist.

What would they share with me? Hopefully, someone would make a blue Hawaiian cocktail; someone else would make a big sandwich, grilled shrimp, and chicken; a tossed salad would appear from no where; lemon bars would be provided for dessert; friends would share their laughter and foibles of their days, and we would play games. We would mark time more closely by the passage of the sun across the sky and not by our watches.

What is the contrast between your summer reality and your summer fantasy? Does your reality match your fantasy? Have you already had a dream summer break?

What would you share?
What would you like to receive?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080530-154641 The Women's Sojourn Fri, 30 May 2008 19:46:41 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080530-154641 Secrets of Womanhood http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080516-105137 From Meredith…

One of the great things about the readers of The Women's Sojourn Blog is that we all range in ages and experiences. We’re all navigating different transitions and challenges, but fundamentally, aren’t they ones that we all have navigated – or will navigate – at some point in our lives? Do we all share a common human experience, more specifically a common woman experience?

I once had a friend who was going through a serious break up tell me that no one – no one – knew such heartache. I remain respectful her perspective, but it got me thinking: isn’t heartache one of those universal experiences we all share? Think of all the songs, poems, books, plays and films inspired by heartache. Heck, the country music industry is based on heartache ( Achy Breaky Heart anyone?).

What are the universal experiences we share as women? Navigating adolescence and forging our identities as young adults; entering serious relationships and marriage; having and raising children; the heartache of breakups, divorce, death and loss; seeking a work/life balance; finding ourselves within an empty nest; exploring life in our third thirty; among many others. My guess is that these experiences are similar to men’s, but it is the way in which women experience them that is shared.

If women share universal experiences, perhaps we also share some secrets learned from navigating them. On her blog The Happiness Project, author Gretchen Rubin lists secrets of adulthood; some are rather significant, others are just darn practical. Here are a few:

• People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.
• Most decisions don't require extensive research.
• It's okay to ask for help.
• Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
• What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
• You don't have to be good at everything.
• Soap and water removes most stains.
• People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.


Are there also, then, secrets to womanhood? Secrets we can pass onto one another? I was just discussing with a friend that no matter our age (I am in my mid-30s, she’s in her early 50s), we can easily re-connect to how we felt when we were in high school, navigating our adolescence. When I was a teenager, I was tall and awkward, completely ill-at-ease with my body, and unable to successfully navigate the teenage dating scene. This often meant I was left out, hurt, and abandoned by friends climbing the social ladder. Like most of us, I’ve grown and changed since then. But if I could, I just might go back and tell my younger self this secret: College is a completely different experience. None of this will matter. It will be okay.

Share with us. Do you think women share life’s experiences uniquely? What secrets or tips have you learned along your journey? What do you share with your sisters, friends, daughters and other women? What do you wish someone had told you when you were in the middle of one of our shared experiences? What would you tell yourself if you could?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080516-105137 The Women's Sojourn Fri, 16 May 2008 14:51:37 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080516-105137