The Women's Sojourn Blog http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php Copyright 2010, The Women's Sojourn The Women's Sojourn en-US SPHPBLOG 0.5.1 Honoring the Obligation http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090519-131438 From Meredith...
“The deck is still stacked against ambitious women with children.” These are the words of author Olivia Gentile who recently published a biography of Phoebe Snetsinger, an accomplished amateur ornithologist (or birdwatcher for us regular folk). At 49, Phoebe was diagnosed with cancer. The diagnosis inspired Phoebe to start a new life, leaving the role of housewife that did not suit her and with which she was unsatisfied. The diagnosis was the impetus, but this was a change she had been dreaming about for a very long time. And she fulfilled that dream. By the time of her death, Phoebe had seen more species of bird than anyone in human history.

When Phoebe was young, she wanted to be a scientist. But for a girl in the 1950s, this was not a likely path. Hence she married early, had a family and stayed home to care for her four children. I’m sure Phoebe loved her family. But she was also unhappy in her stay at home role.

In a Q&A about the book, the author was asked if younger women could relate to Phoebe’s story. I read on with interest…
Today, a young woman who wants to be a scientist, as Phoebe did, has the opportunity to get an education wherever she wants and to put herself in serious contention for whatever jobs she wants—and she can still expect to get married and have children. The problem is that in practical terms, the deck is still stacked against ambitious women with children…As a result of all this, there are a lot of younger women who are having a hard time achieving their full potential, and they might relate strongly to Phoebe.


The author is right, I do relate to Phoebe. My husband and I are expecting our first child and boy does this experience kick in some major identity questions. Am I a working mom or stay-at-home mom? Do I have to be one or the other? Don’t I have an obligation to care for my family, despite my career aspirations? But darn it, I’m a career woman! Hear me roar! Oh wait, not too loud; don’t wake the baby! Uh-oh, I feel a threat to my inner-self-connection creeping in.

Women often lose touch with their inner selves in the trade off of caring for others (spouse/partner, child, parent, etc.). Actually, this is exactly what The Women's Sojourn is all about…giving yourself permission to honor your obligation to yourself. Giving yourself permission to ask significant questions about who you are, and knowing that no matter what answers you discover, they are your answers and they honor you. Experience tells us that giving ourselves the permission to ask the tough questions is hard for women to do.

I am ready to protect my connection to my inner self and fulfill my duties as a mother. Do you think I can do it? Or am I fooling myself?

Do you need to protect the connection to your inner self? Do you need to rediscover that connection?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090519-131438 The Women's Sojourn Tue, 19 May 2009 17:14:38 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090519-131438 What Does Your Tone of Voice Say About Who You Are? http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090421-140340 Nancy writes....

I’ve long been a proponent of the importance of tone of voice. I grew up in a family where it was listened to closely. The tone there was predominately genuine and gentile. Sadly, I cannot say this is quite the case for my current family where there is more frustration and defiance than I would like. I find myself often saying, “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it that is heard.” Or, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” as my husband would say. Afterall, there are teenagers roaming about!

The hostile, righteous or defiant tone comes from somewhere, right? I think it’s rooted in not being completely sure or convinced of the words being said. Conversely, have you heard a person say something in which you are instantly convinced of the truth that lies within it? In my experience, when I have heard it and when I have said it, it comes from a place of genuine truth, sureness, and contentment. The tone is calm, yet powerful. Simple but elegant. It is undeniably real.

I think it comes from a part of our soul that is truly who we are. It is the place I call home, my inner voice. Some call it the inner light and others call it our genius speaking. Whatever we call it, we all have it. Trouble is, over time, we get out of speaking terms with it. Beginning at a young age we listen to so many others without realizing our own voice is fading. All the shoulds and oughts of growing up take the place of our wants and needs, our own comforts and fulfillments. So we lose touch and feel unhappy about life because at our core, “IT” needs to be validated through expression.

And how do we get in touch with it? It is sometimes hard work and it takes a lot of self reflection, time and mostly patience with our selves. But boy is it worth it! Our first step? We listen.

Here is a way to begin, thanks to the poet, Pablo Neruda:

Keeping Quiet

Now we will count to twelve and we will all keep still
For once on the face of the earth, let’s not speak any language;
Let’s stop for a second, and not move our arms too much.

It would be an exotic moment without rush, without engines;
We would all be together in a sudden strangeness.

Fishermen in the cold sea would not harm the whales
And the man gathering salt would not hurt his hands.

Those who prepare green wars, wars with gas, wars with fire,
Victories with no survivors, would put on clean clothes
And walk about with their brothers in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want, should not be confused with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about…

If we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving,
And for once could do nothing, perhaps a huge silence
Might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves
And threatening ourselves with death.

Perhaps the earth can teach us as when everything seems to be
Dead in winter and later proves to be alive.

Now I’ll count to twelve and you keep quiet and I will go.

You may be surprised to find a stranger that is you quietly waiting to be heard. And if you note the tone of voice that speaks its truth…… I’ll bet it’s calm and quietly powerful.

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090421-140340 The Women's Sojourn Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:03:40 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=09&m=04&entry=entry090421-140340 Enjoying in the Present http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090316-104402 From Meredith…

A few weeks ago, I completed a big work event that turned out to be a resounding success. When the event was over, I received a good number of complements and kudos. So I should have been riding high, right? Guess what? Nope. All I could do was think about the next task on my to do list and the upward battle ahead. I couldn’t give myself even one day to bask in the glory of our team’s success.

Upon reflection, I noticed the negative effects of this reaction on both my colleagues and me. For my team, I was undercutting their ability to feel good about the work we’d just accomplished.

For me, I was thinking about all that could go wrong instead of actually ENJOYING it. Wow, enjoying my work…what a novel idea!

For many of us who work full time, we spend more time at work than not. Isn’t that incentive enough to want to enjoy this time? It is not always possible, especially in these tough economic times, to get paid for what you absolutely love – your passion. But is there a way to, at least, be present in your work, enough so that you can actually enjoy it?

In answer to that question, just a few days after my big event, my trusty “Wiki How” notice popped up with this headline, “How to Make Work Feel Effortless.” The intro paragraph read, “You don’t enjoy the work, you just to do it so it can be over with. Then you can feel good, right? But wait, there’s that thing you forgot about. You still need to do that. And oh yeah, there’s that other thing you haven’t done yet.” Wow…sounds familiar! I read on and found some helpful tips I’ve been putting to practice the last few weeks. And I can report it is starting to help. Here are some tips; maybe they’ll work for you – in your professional or personal life.

* Follow your natural rhythms. When you feel like working, work. When you don’t, don’t. Don’t over complicate things.
* Do, don’t think. Just do, stop thinking about it. Fail, make corrections later.
* Remove hidden roadblocks. Question your beliefs about what you can and can’t do.
* Only do your best, not the most perfect.
* Focus on what matters. We have a tendency to follow what’s urgent instead of what’s important.


For more tips, go here.

How do you remain present in your personal or professional work? Are you able to enjoy it and remain productive?
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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090316-104402 The Women's Sojourn Mon, 16 Mar 2009 14:44:02 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=09&m=03&entry=entry090316-104402 I'm Sorry http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090126-124703 Nancy writes....

I am sorry.

What is it about these three words? Maybe it's me, but it feels as though they are loaded and packed with meaning. Consider the last time you heard this phrase. How did it make you feel? When was the last time you said these little words. What happened after you uttered the words or after you heard them? What matters to you about them?

Maybe it's a supply and demand thing (aka I don't hear them often), but whenever I hear "I'm sorry," I relax. I instantly become more open, less anxious, more forgiving. I actually like the person more. Somehow it feels like a great accomplishment for one to be humble enough to say they are sorry. I quickly move to finding solutions and common ground.

On the other hand, when a child (aka teenager) is constantly saying she's sorry, it's probably not what every mother wishes for. Being too quick to take the blame doesn't help one grow a strong inner constitution. In an adult, this posture seems disingenuous to me and that's worse. My rules say it has to be genuine or it doesn't count.

Honestly, I'm growing less tolerant of the absence of this from our society's vocabulary. Who isn't sorry about something? Who isn't wrong some time in his or her life? Maybe the unsorry person is taking him/herself too seriously? Like the world would come to a screeching halt if some humble pie was eaten. Thanks to our current financial crisis, I think the whole country is devouring humble pie. And only the brave are saying these precious words. Ridiculous!


This matters to me because I think the world would be a kinder, gentler place if we could all admit the obvious. I know it probably comes from feelings of insecurity and the old faithful fear of vulnerability, but sometimes the better good of mankind needs to be considered for heaven's sake!!

Okay, so enough of me up on my soap box. We all have things that get under our skin, right? Frankly, my self reflection tells me that this says much more about me than anything else. My job is to figure out why it pushes my buttons. Part of the answer lies in the fact that I find people most interesting and real when they are vulnerable. There, they are at their rawest and most human. It is a divine place that seldom sees the light of day. I believe our greatest learnings about ourselves come when we live here, openly and honestly.

I feel confident there's something less altruistic about my reactions to "I'm sorry" that I need to ponder. And I will. They are harder to see but worth the trip.

Take an issue that gets you going and shift your energy to wondering what it says about you.
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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090126-124703 The Women's Sojourn Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:47:03 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=09&m=01&entry=entry090126-124703 Riding the Waves http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090107-123656 From Meredith…

Amongst my circle of friends, I was the first to get married – nearly nine years ago. Since then, we’ve experienced two waves of marriages and one wave of babies. These are wonderful rites of passages for women and I am grateful to have shared them with my girlfriends.

In the past year or so, I’ve observed new rites of passage – new waves – that are not as wonderful. The first is the divorce wave. Young marriages ending, hearts broken, lives uprooted (then rebuilt). I imagine, given the divorce statistics, there will be a second wave of these.

The second recent wave is death of parents. Unlike some of my slightly older friends and colleagues, who are experiencing prolonged caregiving and then parental death, this has been a wave of sudden, unexpected death (stroke, heart attack, aggressive cancers).

Riding these waves with my friends is rough. It is easy to be there to throw the bachelorette parties and baby showers. To visit the newborns in the hospital and share first year marriage stories. That is seriously good stuff. But this, divorce and death, this is just serious stuff.

What has crossed my mind is that I’m suddenly crystal clear, acutely aware that I’m in the middle of growing up in a new way. In my late 20s, for example, I grew up career-wise, bought a house, and celebrated this “grown-up” life with my husband.

At all ages, life throws challenges our way, that’s life, right? But this seems somehow different, not more serious, but instead more complex.

Reflecting back on your life thus far, are there times you can identify as distinct waves of growth? Were you aware of the growth while you were in the middle of it? Or did you notice only in hindsight? Share your stories.

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Or subscribe to our RSS feed. ]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090107-123656 The Women's Sojourn Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:36:56 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=09&m=01&entry=entry090107-123656 Our Filters http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081206-073921 Nancy writes...

Each time I facilitate a workshop, I am struck by how much of who we are today is shaped and molded by our childhood. As if being a mother wasn't scary enough, overwhelming enough!

How we are raised, how we see the world seems to stay with us. It creates our joys, our terrors, and our blind spots (more on this another time). A person raised by a cheerful mother who hums as she bounds up the stairs sees humming as a happy sound whereas for another, it represents constant noise and nervousness because it came from a frenetic, erratic father. Imagine the difference in a child raised in a family where quiet is honored, nature is sacred, and competition is unknown to a child surrounded by the noise of many siblings, in an environment where competition (fighting for food) means getting a full stomach at each meal, and the uptake of a belief system that paints the woods as a scary place full of snakes and spiders. This contrast is dramatic, but you get the point. As an adult, we may never know the fabulous experience of a walk in the woods on a spectacular day because of fears established in our childhood.

On the surface, there's nothing wrong with these, and frankly, there's nothing we can do about the filters being formed. We all have them. What we can do is take a look at our filters to better understand how we make decisions and ask ourselves, are we fully aware of the ramifications and implications? For instance, for an introvert whose basic filter is working independently and quietly, a new job in a busy, cubicled environment may be exhausting. Or a person whose filter is constantly on the prowl for competition is most at home when seeking or realizing the thrill of a game. Are you limiting your experiences, your fulfillment by the filters you have grown to accept? What's more, you may not even be aware of the filters. Questioning them and examining them may help you stretch yourself into the wonderful new territories of life!

So, observe your filters by asking:
What is it that really matters to me in my daily life?
Am I most comfortable and at home when I can express my artistic side?
Do I value honesty above loyalty?
Is competition my way of relating to those around me?

Next, watch how your filters affect your daily life by the decisions you make. Stalking your filters during the holiday season may bring astounding insights. Happy watching!

As always, feel free to share your revelations by posting a comment.


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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081206-073921 The Women's Sojourn Sat, 06 Dec 2008 12:39:21 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=12&entry=entry081206-073921 Curiosità http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081113-133437 From Meredith…

Tough questions can be hard to ask and they are certainly hard to answer. Some people avoid asking or answering tough questions at all costs. I, more often than not, find myself asking tough questions of myself, my family, my friends and my colleagues.

There are problems with this approach. First, asking tough questions can make me appear pretty testy or confrontational. I don’t mean to be and honestly, I am just asking the question to be sure it is asked. Some recipients of my questioning feel challenged. Perhaps they think I doubt their smarts, power, or position. I don’t, but I can see how my actions might be perceived that way.

A second problem with asking tough questions is that others interpret this as only identifying challenges and ways they will fail. That can seem overwhelming and, as a result, those folks often shut down.

So it’s dangerous work asking tough questions. And it can be both risky and tiring. Yet, knowing this, I still do it. Why? Because asking tough questions leads to better results.

And, guess what, great minds agree! Recently the fun website WikiHow posted an article called "How to be like Leonardi di Vinci.” Apparently there are seven steps to think like di Vinci, and number one on their list is curiosità, or an “insatiably curious approach to life and unrelenting quest for continuous learning.” di Vinci was a question asker. But what made that contribute to his genius not the questions alone, but the quality of his questions. WikiHow offers a few ideas on how to cultivate quality questions (and take one step closer to being like di Vinci!):

1. Keep a journal. Bring a journal wherever you go and use it often. Write your ideas and thoughts there. Try to write several statements a day that start with "I wonder why/how..."
2. Observe according to a theme. Choose a theme and observe things according to the theme for a day. For example, let's say you choose "communication". For the entire day, observe every type and instance of communication you come across. You can then record your observations in your journal.
3. Stream of consciousness exercise. Pick a question and write the thoughts and associations that occur to you as they are. Don't edit them. The important thing is to keep writing. This is also referred to as freewriting.


Do you embrace tough questions or avoid them? How can asking (and answering) tough questions help you through life’s challenges (the big ones or the everyday ones)?

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Gather a group of women together and The Women’s Sojourn will come to you! Contact us to find out how. mailto:TWS@sojourncommunications.com

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081113-133437 The Women's Sojourn Thu, 13 Nov 2008 18:34:37 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=11&entry=entry081113-133437 Being Most Myself http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081029-102319
For many of us, one of the hardest things in life is to figure out what “floats my boat,” where my “passion” is, or where I find my “bliss.” The void is often revealed in our third thirty – after we complete the first two thirty-year segments of life that are consumed with growing up, and then providing shelter and a safe haven for ourselves and loved ones. The third thirty is often about fulfillment. The children are gone and there’s time to do what I’ve always wanted to do. But yikes! What is it?

One of the traps we fall into is that we should be doing something we are good at. After all, our livelihoods and avocations have been centered on where we can contribute, how we can advance the prosperity of a company or our own lifestyle.

However, when we look at fulfillment through a different lens we often find some new answers. Do you know that feeling of being at home or most content or dare I say, doing what you are here to do ? It could be very different from what you are good at. For example, you might be really good at math, but you feel most at home, most yourself, most alive when you are managing people on a project. And this is where we can live but first we must remember this feeling if we haven’t had it in a while.

One of the exercises we do in The Women’s Sojourn is to reflect on various activities as we answer the question: I’m most myself when I’m … These activities are wide ranging and include “organizing things, being with nature, researching things, being anonymous, dealing with the details, being physical” and on it goes. The exercise has several parts to it with the core intention of identifying those things you do and feel that make you most at home with yourself. You can start by making up words of your own to see what resonates with you, and conversely what doesn’t resonate with you or when you are least yourself . If you have questions, give me a call. Re-locating ourselves isn’t always easy, but it sure can be fun! Sometimes you just need time and a good tool. Let us know where you land!

And for those of you a long way away from your third thirty, you’d better be asking yourself constantly, Am I most myself when I’m doing ...( this activity) ? This way, you’ll be ahead of the game because you will have lived it all the way along.

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081029-102319 The Women's Sojourn Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:23:19 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=10&entry=entry081029-102319 Handle with Care: DeliveringTough Messages http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081010-095944 From Meredith…

At work, I sit in the middle of a large communications department, surrounded by colleagues obsessed with the political communication of the presidential and vice-presidential candidates (note: not a judgement because I share their obsession!). Moreover, wherever I turn, I face televisions constantly tuned to CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. A girl can’t help but notice, after she sees a news story repeated 100 times in one day, how these candidates are communicating. I’ve been, along with analysts, reporters and pundits, paying attention to both their verbal and non-verbal communication. Some candidates are more credible than others and some come across with more warmness and authenticity. How well their communication is received changes depending on the particular audience. And, all four candidates communicate very different messages simply with their non-verbal communication. The press and entertainment shows have had a field day with each candidate’s facial expressions and what they mean. Every Monday I look forward to the cable news channels playing Saturday Night Live’s most recent parody of presidential candidates.

During the campaign candidates can choose what kind of messages the deliver to the public. But as president, the winning candidate will be required to deliver bad news and tough messages. Think Bill Clinton telling Americans about his affair or George W. Bush on 9/11. Not only is it difficult to deliver these kinds of messages, the lead up can be anxiety-filled and heart wrenching. I think the same holds true for us regular folk. Doctors routinely deliver unwelcome messages to patients and their families. Businesses fear delivering bad news to the clients upon which they depend.

This past week I’ve been struggling with how to deliver some unwelcome news and tough love to friends and family members. After looking at what a lot of people have to say, and then actually having the conversations, here are my tips:
1. Don’t wait too long to have the conversation. When I wait I chicken out or forget the specifics of why I needed to have the conversation in the first place. Additionally, the recipient of the tough news may resent being kept out of the loop for so long.
2. Take an incremental approach and don’t try to cover too much; it can be overwhelming for both of you.
3. Don’t have the conversation in the first place if you aren’t ready to take some hits back. I’m not as perfect as I think I am, and likely, I’ve contributed to the situation in some way. And the other person is likely to tell me that, especially if they are defensive.
4. Respectfully stick to your guns. Your friend, colleague family member may take the news badly at first, but be patient. By the end of the conversation, he or she may settle down and become more accepting of your news.


These are just four tips of many there are to share. They are nothing more than common sense approaches from someone who was recently there. What tips do you have for tough conversations? What has and hasn’t worked? How has it affected your relationships?

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081010-095944 The Women's Sojourn Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:59:44 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=10&entry=entry081010-095944 Lessons of the Calm http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080923-104923 Nancy writes...

I seem to be at a different place, a calmer place, where life’s challenges aren’t punching me in the face. You know those times, right? You feel peaceful, maybe aligned with what’s happening around you. Sometimes this calm feels boring or even a bit dead; after all, hardship and suffering is much more titillating and exciting. These tranquil times come with some head scratching and questioning…. Am I missing something? Is everything really alright or am I being duped? Sometimes home is where the angst is. That's a good one to be weary of!

I have a tendency to go blank during these times, just happy for the steady rhythm of life. In fact, it’s been hard for me to collect my thoughts and write a blog. But maybe there’s a lot to be learned in this place of calm so we can reconnect during those big, bad and ugly times. Maybe herein are the secrets to fulfillment. Ya think? Of course we have to wake up long enough to ask some questions of ourselves. The questions are obvious; the challenge is in penetrating the wall of complacency.

So here are a few to get you started. If you in a place of calm or the next time you are there take a few minutes, find a quiet place, maybe even shut your eyes and ask yourself:

o What does this feel like throughout my body? Does my body hum, feel relaxed, cool, hot, weightless?
o What do I hear, see and smell?
o What emotions come to the surface quickly? What is it about my current state that makes me feel content, relaxed, and peaceful?
o Stay in this state of awareness for five minutes longer, ask yourself, “how can I duplicate this tomorrow?”

If you have ways of learning from your moments of calm, share them in our comment section!

One of the other things I do is read the weekly email I receive from the poet, Mark Nepo. It is uncanny how many times he has been where I am and helped me see things differently. Here’s a link to Mark’s website . Check out his writings and go to his contact section and write him an email that you’d like to get his weekly reflections. Feel free to mention our blog! He's a wonderful man.

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]]> http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080923-104923 The Women's Sojourn Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:49:23 GMT http://www.thewomenssojourn.com/blog/comments.php?y=08&m=09&entry=entry080923-104923