From Meredith...
“The deck is still stacked against ambitious women with children.” These are the words of author Olivia Gentile who recently published a biography of Phoebe Snetsinger, an accomplished amateur ornithologist (or birdwatcher for us regular folk). At 49, Phoebe was diagnosed with cancer. The diagnosis inspired Phoebe to start a new life, leaving the role of housewife that did not suit her and with which she was unsatisfied. The diagnosis was the impetus, but this was a change she had been dreaming about for a very long time. And she fulfilled that dream. By the time of her death, Phoebe had seen more species of bird than anyone in human history.

When Phoebe was young, she wanted to be a scientist. But for a girl in the 1950s, this was not a likely path. Hence she married early, had a family and stayed home to care for her four children. I’m sure Phoebe loved her family. But she was also unhappy in her stay at home role.

In a Q&A about the book, the author was asked if younger women could relate to Phoebe’s story. I read on with interest…

Today, a young woman who wants to be a scientist, as Phoebe did, has the opportunity to get an education wherever she wants and to put herself in serious contention for whatever jobs she wants—and she can still expect to get married and have children. The problem is that in practical terms, the deck is still stacked against ambitious women with children…As a result of all this, there are a lot of younger women who are having a hard time achieving their full potential, and they might relate strongly to Phoebe.

The author is right, I do relate to Phoebe. My husband and I are expecting our first child and boy does this experience kick in some major identity questions. Am I a working mom or stay-at-home mom? Do I have to be one or the other? Don’t I have an obligation to care for my family, despite my career aspirations? But darn it, I’m a career woman! Hear me roar! Oh wait, not too loud; don’t wake the baby! Uh-oh, I feel a threat to my inner-self-connection creeping in.

Women often lose touch with their inner selves in the trade off of caring for others (spouse/partner, child, parent, etc.). Actually, this is exactly what The Women's Sojourn is all about…giving yourself permission to honor your obligation to yourself. Giving yourself permission to ask significant questions about who you are, and knowing that no matter what answers you discover, they are your answers and they honor you. Experience tells us that giving ourselves the permission to ask the tough questions is hard for women to do.

I am ready to protect my connection to my inner self and fulfill my duties as a mother. Do you think I can do it? Or am I fooling myself?

Do you need to protect the connection to your inner self? Do you need to rediscover that connection?

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Nancy writes....

I’ve long been a proponent of the importance of tone of voice. I grew up in a family where it was listened to closely. The tone there was predominately genuine and gentile. Sadly, I cannot say this is quite the case for my current family where there is more frustration and defiance than I would like. I find myself often saying, “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it that is heard.” Or, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” as my husband would say. Afterall, there are teenagers roaming about!

The hostile, righteous or defiant tone comes from somewhere, right? I think it’s rooted in not being completely sure or convinced of the words being said. Conversely, have you heard a person say something in which you are instantly convinced of the truth that lies within it? In my experience, when I have heard it and when I have said it, it comes from a place of genuine truth, sureness, and contentment. The tone is calm, yet powerful. Simple but elegant. It is undeniably real.

I think it comes from a part of our soul that is truly who we are. It is the place I call home, my inner voice. Some call it the inner light and others call it our genius speaking. Whatever we call it, we all have it. Trouble is, over time, we get out of speaking terms with it. Beginning at a young age we listen to so many others without realizing our own voice is fading. All the shoulds and oughts of growing up take the place of our wants and needs, our own comforts and fulfillments. So we lose touch and feel unhappy about life because at our core, “IT” needs to be validated through expression.

And how do we get in touch with it? It is sometimes hard work and it takes a lot of self reflection, time and mostly patience with our selves. But boy is it worth it! Our first step? We listen.

Here is a way to begin, thanks to the poet, Pablo Neruda:

Keeping Quiet

Now we will count to twelve and we will all keep still
For once on the face of the earth, let’s not speak any language;
Let’s stop for a second, and not move our arms too much.

It would be an exotic moment without rush, without engines;
We would all be together in a sudden strangeness.

Fishermen in the cold sea would not harm the whales
And the man gathering salt would not hurt his hands.

Those who prepare green wars, wars with gas, wars with fire,
Victories with no survivors, would put on clean clothes
And walk about with their brothers in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want, should not be confused with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about…

If we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving,
And for once could do nothing, perhaps a huge silence
Might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves
And threatening ourselves with death.

Perhaps the earth can teach us as when everything seems to be
Dead in winter and later proves to be alive.

Now I’ll count to twelve and you keep quiet and I will go.

You may be surprised to find a stranger that is you quietly waiting to be heard. And if you note the tone of voice that speaks its truth…… I’ll bet it’s calm and quietly powerful.

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From Meredith…

A few weeks ago, I completed a big work event that turned out to be a resounding success. When the event was over, I received a good number of complements and kudos. So I should have been riding high, right? Guess what? Nope. All I could do was think about the next task on my to do list and the upward battle ahead. I couldn’t give myself even one day to bask in the glory of our team’s success.

Upon reflection, I noticed the negative effects of this reaction on both my colleagues and me. For my team, I was undercutting their ability to feel good about the work we’d just accomplished.

For me, I was thinking about all that could go wrong instead of actually ENJOYING it. Wow, enjoying my work…what a novel idea!

For many of us who work full time, we spend more time at work than not. Isn’t that incentive enough to want to enjoy this time? It is not always possible, especially in these tough economic times, to get paid for what you absolutely love – your passion. But is there a way to, at least, be present in your work, enough so that you can actually enjoy it?

In answer to that question, just a few days after my big event, my trusty “Wiki How” notice popped up with this headline, “How to Make Work Feel Effortless.” The intro paragraph read, “You don’t enjoy the work, you just to do it so it can be over with. Then you can feel good, right? But wait, there’s that thing you forgot about. You still need to do that. And oh yeah, there’s that other thing you haven’t done yet.” Wow…sounds familiar! I read on and found some helpful tips I’ve been putting to practice the last few weeks. And I can report it is starting to help. Here are some tips; maybe they’ll work for you – in your professional or personal life.

* Follow your natural rhythms. When you feel like working, work. When you don’t, don’t. Don’t over complicate things.
* Do, don’t think. Just do, stop thinking about it. Fail, make corrections later.
* Remove hidden roadblocks. Question your beliefs about what you can and can’t do.
* Only do your best, not the most perfect.
* Focus on what matters. We have a tendency to follow what’s urgent instead of what’s important.

For more tips, go here.

How do you remain present in your personal or professional work? Are you able to enjoy it and remain productive?
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Nancy writes....

I am sorry.

What is it about these three words? Maybe it's me, but it feels as though they are loaded and packed with meaning. Consider the last time you heard this phrase. How did it make you feel? When was the last time you said these little words. What happened after you uttered the words or after you heard them? What matters to you about them?

Maybe it's a supply and demand thing (aka I don't hear them often), but whenever I hear "I'm sorry," I relax. I instantly become more open, less anxious, more forgiving. I actually like the person more. Somehow it feels like a great accomplishment for one to be humble enough to say they are sorry. I quickly move to finding solutions and common ground.

On the other hand, when a child (aka teenager) is constantly saying she's sorry, it's probably not what every mother wishes for. Being too quick to take the blame doesn't help one grow a strong inner constitution. In an adult, this posture seems disingenuous to me and that's worse. My rules say it has to be genuine or it doesn't count.

Honestly, I'm growing less tolerant of the absence of this from our society's vocabulary. Who isn't sorry about something? Who isn't wrong some time in his or her life? Maybe the unsorry person is taking him/herself too seriously? Like the world would come to a screeching halt if some humble pie was eaten. Thanks to our current financial crisis, I think the whole country is devouring humble pie. And only the brave are saying these precious words. Ridiculous!


This matters to me because I think the world would be a kinder, gentler place if we could all admit the obvious. I know it probably comes from feelings of insecurity and the old faithful fear of vulnerability, but sometimes the better good of mankind needs to be considered for heaven's sake!!

Okay, so enough of me up on my soap box. We all have things that get under our skin, right? Frankly, my self reflection tells me that this says much more about me than anything else. My job is to figure out why it pushes my buttons. Part of the answer lies in the fact that I find people most interesting and real when they are vulnerable. There, they are at their rawest and most human. It is a divine place that seldom sees the light of day. I believe our greatest learnings about ourselves come when we live here, openly and honestly.

I feel confident there's something less altruistic about my reactions to "I'm sorry" that I need to ponder. And I will. They are harder to see but worth the trip.

Take an issue that gets you going and shift your energy to wondering what it says about you.
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From Meredith…

Amongst my circle of friends, I was the first to get married – nearly nine years ago. Since then, we’ve experienced two waves of marriages and one wave of babies. These are wonderful rites of passages for women and I am grateful to have shared them with my girlfriends.

In the past year or so, I’ve observed new rites of passage – new waves – that are not as wonderful. The first is the divorce wave. Young marriages ending, hearts broken, lives uprooted (then rebuilt). I imagine, given the divorce statistics, there will be a second wave of these.

The second recent wave is death of parents. Unlike some of my slightly older friends and colleagues, who are experiencing prolonged caregiving and then parental death, this has been a wave of sudden, unexpected death (stroke, heart attack, aggressive cancers).

Riding these waves with my friends is rough. It is easy to be there to throw the bachelorette parties and baby showers. To visit the newborns in the hospital and share first year marriage stories. That is seriously good stuff. But this, divorce and death, this is just serious stuff.

What has crossed my mind is that I’m suddenly crystal clear, acutely aware that I’m in the middle of growing up in a new way. In my late 20s, for example, I grew up career-wise, bought a house, and celebrated this “grown-up” life with my husband.

At all ages, life throws challenges our way, that’s life, right? But this seems somehow different, not more serious, but instead more complex.

Reflecting back on your life thus far, are there times you can identify as distinct waves of growth? Were you aware of the growth while you were in the middle of it? Or did you notice only in hindsight? Share your stories.

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